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Scripture Jokes
For those who say that there is no proof in the Bible that Mormons are Christians, see Acts 28: 26,28:
"26. For the king knoweth of these things, before whoM alsO I speak freely: foR I aM persuaded that nONe of theSe things ARE hidden from him;
28. Then Agrippa said unto Paul, almost thou persuadest me to be a CHRISTIAN."
Money talks.
Eccl. 10:19 - A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things.
Women compared to horses.
Songs of Solomon 1:9 - I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh's chariots.
Go to Utah to date.
Lamentations 5:18 - Because of the mountain of Zion, which is desolate, the foxes walk upon it.
Decorating Christmas trees.
Jer. 10:2-4
2 Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them.
3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.
4 They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.
Santa Clause.
Zechariah 2:6 - Ho, ho, come forth, and flee from the land of the north, saith the LORD: for I have spread you abroad as the four winds of the heaven, saith the LORD.
Shakespear in the Bible...Psalms 46. Count 46 words from top, 46
words (back) from the end, put those words together, shake - spear!
First reported incidence of streaking.
Mark 14:51,52
51 And there followed him a certain young man, having a linen cloth cast about his naked body; and the young men laid hold on him:
52 And he left the linen cloth, and fled from them naked.
Stripping a car for its parts.
Isaiah 3:18,19
18 In that day the Lord will take away the bravery of their tinkling ornaments about their feet, and their cauls, and their round tires like the moon,
19 The chains, and the bracelets, and the mufflers,
Visit your dentist regularly.
Amos 4:6 - And I also have given you cleanness of teeth in all your cities, and want of bread in all your places: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD.
Job Promotions.
Psalms 75:6-7
6 For promotion cometh neither from the east, nor from the west, nor from the south.
7 But God is the judge: he putteth down one, and setteth up another.
Q. Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?
A. Noah: He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter: She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out
a little prophet.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson: He brought the house down.
Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12, 14, 16 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he
proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and
proceeded to smash me."
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.
Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about
David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell for it once.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Use this when trying to convince someone against tattoos or body piercings.
LEV 19:28 Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print
any marks upon you: I am the LORD.
When supper is not what you would like it to be...
DEU 14:3 Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing.
When you have a kid who won't behave...
DEU 21:18 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the
voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have
chastened him, will not hearken unto them:
DEU 21:19 Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him
out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;
DEU 21:20 And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is
stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a
drunkard.
DEU 21:21 And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he
die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall
hear, and fear.
When your kids are trying to make fashon statements....
DEU 22:5 The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither
shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto
the LORD thy God.
The longest Sacrament meeting on record:
Acts 19:8 And he went into the synagogue, and spake boldly for the space of three months,...
This is where the Battle Star Galactica series came from.
DEU 30:4 If any of thine be driven out unto the outmost parts of heaven, from
thence will the LORD thy God gather thee, and from thence will he fetch thee:
DEU 30:5 And the LORD thy God will bring thee into the land which thy fathers
possessed, and thou shalt possess it; and he will do thee good, and multiply
thee above thy fathers.
Left-handed people rule!
JDG 20:16 Among all this people there were seven hundred chosen men
lefthanded; every one could sling stones at an hair breadth, and not miss.
Kids, you better watch what you say to bald people.
2 KINGS 2:23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the
way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and
said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
2 KINGS 2:24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name
of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare
forty and two children of them.
Road rage!
2 KINGS 9:20 And the watchman told, saying, He came even unto them, and cometh not
again: and the driving is like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi; for he
driveth furiously.
A missionary receiving a "Dear John" letter.
EZRA 9:3 And when I heard this thing, I rent my garment and my mantle, and
plucked off the hair of my head and of my beard, and sat down astonied.
Missionaries who don't get any letters.
PSA 31:12 I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel.
For someone who sleeps in too long...
PROV 6:9 How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? when wilt thou arise out of thy
sleep?
But then again, maybe it is O.K. to sleep in a little.
PROV 27:14 He that blesseth his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the
morning, it shall be counted a curse to him.
Zena, Warrior Princess.
PROV 7:26 For she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been
slain by her.
When trying to get a son to get married.
PROV 18:22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour
of the LORD.
For a complaining wife...
PROV 21:19 It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and
an angry woman.
Beating your children is O.K.?
PROV 23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with
the rod, he shall not die.
PROV 23:14 Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from
hell.
Don't outstay your welcome.
PROV 25:17 Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbour's house; lest he be weary
of thee, and so hate thee.
How fat people get fat
PROV 28:25 He that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife: but he that putteth
his trust in the LORD shall be made fat.
Bad case of indigestion, gastritis and flatulence...
JER 4:19 My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a
noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the
sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war.
Relief Society home making meetings...
EZEK 13:18 And say, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the women that sew pillows
to all armholes, and make kerchiefs upon the head of every stature to hunt
souls! Will ye hunt the souls of my people, and will ye save the souls alive
that come unto you?
Drag racing in the Bible....
NAH 2:3 The shield of his mighty men is made red, the valiant men are in
scarlet: the chariots shall be with flaming torches in the day of his
preparation, and the fir trees shall be terribly shaken.
NAH 2:4 The chariots shall rage in the streets, they shall justle one against
another in the broad ways: they shall seem like torches, they shall run like
the lightnings.
Kids, you don't need to wash your hands before you eat after all.
MAT 15:20 These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen
hands defileth not a man.
When trying to get your kid to cut his hair...
1COR 11:14 Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long
hair, it is a shame unto him?
For quieter church meetings...
1COR 14:34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted
unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also
saith the law.
Women take a vacation from heaven.
REV 8:1 And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven
about the space of half an hour.
We had better stop singing, 'Come, come ye saints'.
2 NEP 28:25 Wo be unto him that crieth, All is well;
Fast Sunday.
ALMA 58:7 And it came to pass that we did wait in these difficult circumstances,
for the space of many months, even until we were about to perish for the
want of food.
Nothing left in town to eat but beans.
Ether 14:23 and the scent thereof went forth upon the face of the land, even upon
all the face of the land; wherefore the people became troubled by day and
by night, because of the scent thereof;
Did you know Satan was female?
D&C 52:14 And again, I will give unto you a pattern in all things, that ye may not be
deceived; for Satan is abroad(a broad) in the land, and goeth forth deceiving the nations--
A scripture to send a missionary who is not writing letters home:
"And now behold, we desire to know the cause of this exceedingly great
neglect; yea, we desire to know the cause of your thoughtless state." Alma
60:6
Biblical Basis for Food Fights or T.P.ing? Scholars Disagree.
Zechariah 5:1-2 "Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and
behold a flying roll. And he said unto me, What seest thou? And I answered,
I see a flying roll; the length thereof [is] twenty cubits, and the breadth
thereof ten cubits."
Q: What is the name of Nephi's horse?
A: Unto (Wo unto . . . 2 Nephi 9:27-38)
Whenever we take the family on a long trip in the car we end up having a lot of Nephites
in the back seat (knee fights).
Evidence that the Word of Wisdom was not strictly adhered to.
Genesis 24:64. And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.
Where do the people of Laman go to have a good time?
Lamanite clubs
Q: How many people went on board the Ark before Noah?
A: Three, because it says "... and Noah went
forth" . (Genesis 8:18)
Q: Where in the bible does it say that men do the
dishes?
A: 2 Kings 21:13 "...and I will wipe Jerusalem as a
man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down to
dry."
Q: What's the greatest case of constipation in the
bible?
A: Satan the devil. Revelation says he'll be bound up for
a thousand years! (Rev 20:2 KJV)
Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun. (Numbers 11:28)
Did you know that they played tennis in ancient Egypt?
They must have, because Joseph served in Pharoah's court
Did you know that the apostles drove a Honda?
In Acts is says they were all in one Accord.
Acts 7:57, "Then they cried out with a loud voice, and stopped
their ears, and ran upon him with one accord,"
Q: How do we know Moses wore a wig?
A: Sometimes he was with Aaron and sometimes he wasn't!
Q: "What evidence is there in the Bible that Adam and Eve were noisy?"
A: "They raised Cain!"
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