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Short Jokes

Tired of hearing the same, time-worn excuses for why people don't attend church services, the Rev. Sudney Laing of Dublin, Ireland, wrote this humorous piece for his parish paper

"Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash"
1. I was made to wash as a child.
2. People who wash are hypocrites; they reckon they are cleaner than other people.
3. There are many different kinds of soap; I could never decide which one was right.
4. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
5. I still wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
6. None of my friends wash.
7. I'm still young. When I'm older and have got a bit dirtier I might start washing.
8. I really don't have time.
9. The bathroom's never warm enough.
10. People who make soap are only after your money.

Recently atop the new 60 story building being constructed in down town Salt lake City the following was overheard:
“Hey Mac, come over here to the edge with me; what’s your name?”
“I’m Ralph, who are you?”
“Well, Ralph, I’m Jeff, sent here by the prophet to bring good news, are you a member of the priesthood, Ralph?”
“Yea, sure, Melchizedek in fact, Why Jeff?”
“Well, Ralph, do you recall how Jesus walked on water? Well, the prophet has been given the keys to walk on air and extends it to all the priesthood. Here, watch this.”
Jeff steps off the ledge and walks out about ten feet and stands there in mid air.
“Wow!” says Ralph, “Do you mean I can do that?”
“Certainly”, replies Jeff, “Just make a leap of faith.”
Ralph takes a step from the ledge and plunges screaming to the pavement 60 floors below. Jeff walks back to the building and calls to another worker, “Hey, Mac, come over here.”
Meanwhile on the street a passerby notices the occasional rain of bodies and approaches an apparently unconcerned worker nearby,
“Say, didn’t you see several workers falling from above?”
“Oh yea, it’s just Superman messing with the Mormons again.”

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

One day, Moses and Jesus are part of a threesome in golf. Moses steps up to the tee and gives the ball a good wack. He sees that his ball is heading towards a water hazard, so he raises his club and the water parts and the ball rolls safely to the green. Then Jesus hits his golf ball, and it is heading for the same water hazard, so he raises his club and the ball lands on the top of the water and doesn't sink. He then casually walks out onto the water and chips it onto the green. The third person then took his turn. He took a hard swing, and the ball flew off to the left towards a nearby road. The ball hit a car then bounced off back towards the course and it was directed it towards the water hazard. A bullfrog hopped onto the lily pad and ate the ball, after that, an eagle swooped down and picked the bullfrog up in its tallons. the ball proceeded to pop out of the bullfrogs mouth, and fell onto the green, where it rolled into the hole. Moses then turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."

Did you hear that the church just decided that sixteen-year-olds will be called on missions? The new policy has met with overwhelming approval from the members. The reasoning is that they already know everything and their moms won't cry at their farewells.

A priest & pastor are standing by the side of the road with a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn around before it's too late!" They hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires & a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

A Catholic priest went into a barber shop for a haircut. When he was finished, the barber refused to take payment saying, "You are a man of the cloth... this is a free service that I offer to you." The Priest thanked the barber and went on his way. The next morning the barber found seven fishes and seven loaves of bread on his doorstep in gratitude from the priest.
The next week, a Jewish Rabbi went into the same shop for a cut. Again the barber refused payment saying, "You are a man of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber found a fitting gift from the Rabbi.
The following week, two LDS Missionaries went into the shop for haircuts. Again, the barber refused payment saying, "You work in the service of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber arrived to find 12 LDS Missionaries on his doorstep.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Little girl in Primary is drawing a picture of a biblical scene. The teacher looks over her should and see that child has drawn an airplane w/ several windows and passengers. The teacher, curious, asks what biblical scene this might be. The little girls says, "This is Joseph and Mary's flight into Egypt." Looking further, the teacher replies, "I recognize Joseph and Mary and the baby Jesus, but who is that flying the plane?" The little girl says, "Oh, that's Pontius Pilot"

An ambulance was called to a High Priest meeting one Sunday.
The paramedics came to the meeting house and ran into the room where the High Priests were meeting.
The room was full. After a few minutes, one came out confused and said to a passerby
"We were told the patient had lost consciousness and was unresponsive".
We... can't figure out which man it is."

Two elderly women (90's plus) were discussing life on their front porch when one said, "You know what's really worrying me?" Her friend answered "No, what's really worrying you?" "I am so old all my friends in the celestial Kingdom will be thinking I didn't make it!"

Johnny's mom looked out the window & noticed him "playing church" with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly & he was preaching to it. She smiled & went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing & ran back to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, "Johnny, stop! The cat is afraid of water!" Johnny looked up & said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

A little girl asked her mom, "How did humans appear?" The mom said, "God made Adam & Eve & they had offspring." Later she asked her dad & he said, "Humans evolved from monkeys." The confused girl returned to ask her mom; "Mom, how is it possible that humans were created by God & dad said they evolved from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well dear, I told you about my side of the family & your dad told you about his."

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "Show & Tell" assignment & ask students to bring something to represent their religion. The first boy got in front of the class & said, "My name is Ben & I am Jewish & this is a Star of David." The second boy got up & said, "My name is Thomas & I am Catholic & this is the Crucifix." The last boy went up & said, "My name is Johnny & I am Mormon & this is a casserole."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

A primary teacher was asking her 5-year-old students, "Who would like to go to heaven?"
All raised their hands except little Sally.
"Don't you want to got to Heaven Sally?" the teacher asked.
Sally replied, "I can't. My mommy told me to come right home after church".

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order; the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

A blurb from Rolley and Wells column, SL Trib:
Two Mormon missionaries in dark suits on bikes recently were left motionless and speechless when two scantilly clad female joggers passed them at Sego Lilly Lane and 1300 East in Sandy.
In fact, they didn't notice a Sandy City police car behind them, until the officer advised over his loudspeaker, "Think of a hymn, elders."

Three friends die and go to heaven. They are asked, "When you are in your casket and people are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say 'Look, He's Moving!'"

A Baptist preacher, a Presbyterian minister, and a Mormon Bishop got into a discussion as to which denomination Jesus Christ would belong to. Each claimed that He would belong to his own.
The Baptist preacher declared: "He would obviously be Baptist! We're so on fire with the zeal for God, just like He was when He was on earth. He'd join us in a heartbeat!"
The Presbyterian minister stated: "Not so! He'd be a Presbyterian! We do everything properly and in order, and give the Glory to God, just like He did. He'd join us immediately!"
The Mormon Bishop sat silent for a minute. Then he stated: "Y'all each have some good points, I must admit. But I don't think He'd ever change.

A young Mormon was on his mission, carrying the Book of Mormon in his coat pocket when he was shot by an armed robber. Fortunately, the bullet lodged in the book and saved him. "See," the missionary said to his companion, "that bullet couldn't get through Second Nephi either.

So, God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" And God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "So, what could I get for a rib?"
And, the rest is history.

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

(Adam) "God, I have two questions concerning my wife, Eve. First, why did you make her so beautiful?
(God) "I made her beautiful so you would be attracted to her"
(Adam) "Why did you make her so stupid?"
(God) "So she would be attracted to you"

Here's a Catholic joke:
Jesus saw the crowd stoning the woman, and stepped forth, shouting, "Let he without sin cast the first stone!" Silence -- then a stone came flying from the crowd, and Jesus turned around saying "C'mon, Mom, I'm trying to make a point here..."

Sacrament meeting was about to begin and a mother couldn't find her son. She searched everywhere and finally located him sitting outside on the curb with his head in his hands. She said, "Son, we have to go in now. Sacrament is about to start."
He responds, "I can't go in there, Mom. Nobody likes me. No one will talk to me." She says "But son, you have to go back in....
You're the Bishop."

A man: God, how much is a million dollars to you?
God: It is but a penny.
A man: God, how long is a million years to you?
God: It is but a second.
A man: God, could you please give me a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.

Sometimes I wake up Grumpy on P-day, but sometimes I let my companion sleep in.

Mission President to a new Elder:
"When a big mean, dog attacks you elder, just remember, you don't have to run faster than the dog, ...you just have to out run your companion."

Why did the polygamist cross the road? To get to the other bride!

Why didn't the BYU football team do as good this year? Every time they gained ten yards, they had to give one back for tithing.

One Sunday evening my four year old daughter, Ginger, was explaining the contents of each of a series of pictures she had received in her primary class that day. She came to a picture of Jesus surrounded by little children. One of the children sat on Jesus's knee. In a solemn and reverent tone, my daughter told us that this was a picture of Jesus asking the little children what they wanted for Christmas.

A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
"Oh, you don't wan to look down there. That's hell!"
The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," he says. Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.
"Dang!" he snaps, "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"

The Pope is sitting in his office and his secretary enters his office and says: "Um, sir I have a phone call here for you. It appears to be some good news and some bad news." "Well whats the good news?", asked the Pope. "The good news is it's Jesus Christ on the line." "Thats great! Whats the bad news?" "He's calling from Salt Lake City."

Two elders were tracting in deepest Africa when they came across a large lion. The elders began to run. The slower of the two realized that he would not be able to out run the lion, he droped to his knees and prayed for heavenly father to convert the lion. When he open his eyes he saw the lion on his knees also and heard him say Father in heaven please bless this food I am about to consume.

An LDS missionary was an enthusiastic but not very capable cook. One day his companion saw that he was close to tears. " Elder, what's wrong? Did you get a 'Dear John' today?" Worse! I made a meatloaf for our dinner, but our landlady's cat ate it.!" "Don't take it so hard, elder. We'll buy her another cat."

How can you tell the difference between an IBM salesman and a Mormon missionary? You can't!

What happens when you get ex-communicated? You get a 10% raise and another day off!

You might be a Mormon if:
Your idea of a good time is playing pictionary in the cultural hall
Your relatives make up more than half of your town
Your idea of a wild party is a six pack of pepsi and a PG-13 movie
You and all of your friends come to your mom for a haircut in her kitchen
You know a high priest isn't a priest on dope
If you think baptizm for the dead is a flooded graveyard, you might not be a mormon

What is a Jack Mormon? A Seagull that won't eat crickets.

Have you heard why all the pictures of Book of Mormon prophets always depict them with large arms? It's from scripture chasing with the brass plates.

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? It depends!
If it is the Relief Society it take four.
One to fix refreshments.
One to bring the tablecloth.
One to design the Center Piece,
And one to screw in the light bulb.
If it is the Bishopric, forget it, they don't do light bulbs.
They call a Priesthood Executive Council And delegate it to the Elders.
If it is the Elders it takes four.
Three that don't show up, and One to change the bulb.
If it is the High Priests it take five.
Two to push the wheel chairs.
One to handle the oxygen tank,
One that falls asleep,
And one to screw in the light bulb.
If it is the Home Teachers, it only takes two,
But you have to wait until the end of the month.
If it is the Aaronic Priesthood, it only takes one.
He holds the light bulb in the socket And the whole world revolves around him.

Joe: My home teacher is so good he comes on the first day of every month!
Henry: Oh Yeah? My home teacher is so good he comes the day before that!

Why did God create woman? Because he looked at Adam and said: "Oh, I can do better than that!"

Do you know why God created Adam first? He didn't want any advice on how to do it.

An Agnostic and an Atheists were married and had a real moral problem on their hands. You see, they couldn't decide which religion not to raise their children in.

A true story: It was a hot afternoon when the air conditioning went out in the Tabernacle during General Conference. President Hinckley stood up to address the sweating congregation and said, "It's warm. We're sorry. But it's not as warm as it's going to get if you don't repent!"
Contributed by President Gordon B. Hinckley

The Top Ten Ways the Bible Would Have Been Different If Written by College Students:
10). Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
9). Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
8). Forbidden fruit would have been eaten only because it wasn't dining hall food.
7). Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
6). Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5). The place where the end of the world occurs.... not the Plains of Armageddon, but Finals.
4). Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
3). Reason why Moses and followers wandered in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
2). Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1). Instead of creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, God would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

My thanks to the First Presidency for this opportunity during which, as you can see, the lights combine with my cranium to bring some different "illumination" to this pulpit.
Contributed by the now bald Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles during General Conference on 4/5/97

Bride on her wedding day: Mom, I'm at the end of all my troubles!
Mother: Yes, but at which end?
Contributed by Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Quorum of the Seventy during General Conference on 10/5/96.

On the high expectations placed on mothers. One young mother "felt like the world expected her to teach her children reading, writing, interior design, Latin, calculus, and the Internet--all before the baby said something terribly ordinary, like 'goo goo.'"
Contributed by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles during General Conference on 4/5/97

In the car on the way home from Sunday School, we were quizing our four year old son, Jonathan, about the lessons of the day. "We had a great lesson today", he said. "It was about two thousand 'stricken lawyers."

A large family drove through Utah and really got into Book of Mormon culture. They didn't just drive through Manti, Jordon, Lehi, and Bountiful. One brother called his sister Amoron (a moron) and they all had Nephites (knee fights) in the car.

If you're not LDS, you belong to a non-prophet organization.

You know you're a Utahn if:
You are 25 years old and completely bald.
Your were an aunt or uncle before the age of 3.
Your spouses mother was pregnant at your wedding.
You have more children that you can find biblical names for.
Your family considers a trip to McDonalds a night out.
Peanut butter on the seats of the car is an accessory.
You feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football.
Your kids believe the deer hunt is a national Holiday: July 24th too.
You consider a temple recommend a credit reference.
At least two of your salad bowls are at the homes of neighbors.
You believe you must be 18 years of older to order coffee at a restaurant.
There is a similarity between the L.A. riots and ward basketball.
You think Jack Daniels is a country western singer.
You negotiate prices at garage sales.
You make Jell-o without a recipe.
You hear about BYU football in a testimony meeting.

A Sunday School teacher was teaching the importance of love in the home. She illustrated her point by referring to the commandment, "Honor thy father and thy mother." She then asked if there was a commandment which taught how to treat sisters and brothers. One little boy from a large family raised his hand quickly. Innocently he asked, "Thou shalt not kill?"
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six year old daughter and said,"Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday.
One little boy wrote: "Dear God, We had a good time at church today.
Wish you could have been there."
Question: How are bishops chosen?
``Answer: The stake leaders find the most righteous, spiritual, most loved person in the ward _
and then they call her husband.''

Long Jokes and Stories

There are a few things guaranteed to strike fear in the heart of even the strongest war veteran:

--a 3-year old who has just begun wearing big-kid underclothes squatted in the corner with a look of fierce concentration on his face;

--a little tiny voice from the back seat saying 'I gots to use the potty' when you are in bumper to bumper traffic;

--total silence from a room full of children;

--a boom/crash from the other room and the sound of many feet scampering in all directions;

--a boom/crash from the other room...and silence;

--the sound of a flush from a bathroom occupied only by a 2 year old

--all the kids huddled in the corner, whispering, when all you can overhear are the words, "Don't tell Mom!"


The First Parent
by Bill Cosby

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?", Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
--- Bill Cosby


Please fill out the following Mormon Census Form:

1. _____________________ (Given name)
2. _____________________ (Surname)

3. Descendant of:
A. Adam and Eve _____
B. Cain and Abel _____
C. Laman and Lemuel _____
D. Laurel and Hardy _____

4. Tribe: _____________________

5. Number of occupants in home:
(Categories listed in chronological order)
A. Nursery _____
B. Junior Primary _____
C. Senior Primary _____
D. Young Women’s _____
E. Young Men’s _____
F. Relief Society _____
G. Elder _____
H. Dearly Departed _____
I. High Priest _____

6. Occupation:
A. Amway dealer _____
B. Shaklee dealer _____
C. Nonie juice dealer _____
D. NuSkin dealer _____
E. Melaleuca dealer _____

7. Automobile:
A. Station Wagon _____
B. Van _____
C. Suburban _____
D. School Bus _____
E. Double Decker _____

8. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:
A. Chuck-A-Rama _____
B. Hometown Buffet _____
C. Sumo Sam’s All You Can Eat Feeding Trough _____

9. Favorite Hero:
A. Nephi _____
B. Abinadi _____
C. Samuel the Lamanite _____
D. Steve Young _____
E. Johnny Lingo _____

10. Which of the following do you bring to church:
A. Scriptures _____
B. Daytimer _____
C. Pen/Pencil _____
D. Lifesavers _____
E. Tic Tacs _____
F. Game Boy _____
G. Big Gulp _____
H. Cooler _____
I. Sony Walkman _____
J. TV Watch _____
K. All of the above _____

11. Do you prepare your lessons:
A. A month in advance _____
B. A week in advance _____
C. While in the bathtub _____
D. While on the toilet _____
E. During Sacrament Meeting _____
F. During the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting _____
G. During the opening prayer of the class you’re teaching _____
H. Just wing it _____

12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with Big Gulp holders:
yes___ no ___

13. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:
A. 10-20 years _____
B. 20-30 years _____
C. 30-40 years _____
D. Over 3 generations _____

14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:
A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____
B. 1/99,999,999th of a second _____
C. 1/99,999,998th of a second _____

15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:
A. 31st ______
B. 31st ______
C. 31st ______
D. 31st ______

16. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:
A. 1-10 _____
B. 10-20 _____
C. 20-30 _____
D. You’ll have to ask my lawyer _____

17. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:
A. Arguing about getting along _____
B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner _____
C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" _____

18. How many times a year do you make:
A. Jello salad _____
B. Funeral potatoes _____
C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad _____
D. Turkey, cashews and grape-stuffed croissants _____

19. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:
A. 1-2 thousand _____
B. 2-3 thousand _____
C. 3-4 thousand _____
D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____

20. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:
A. Alcatraz _____
B. Fort Knox _____
C. Ward Libraries _____

21. How many aerodynamic, mechanical and structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you’ll win the pinewood derby: _________

22. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:
A. Chocolate:_____ pounds daily X 365 days annually = ____
B. Cola: _____ gallons daily X 365 days annually = ____

23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which would you choose?
A. Second Coming _____
B. Football game _____


A Bishop was holding a leadership meeting. A baby in the nearby nursery was crying, making it difficult for the Bishop to conduct the meeting. He excused himself and left the room. After a couple of minutes he returned and continued the meeting -- not a sound was heard from the baby. At the end of the meeting, one ward member asked him how he got the baby to be quiet. "Simple", said the Bishop. "I ordained him a High Priest and he went right to sleep."


Two missionaries were tracting door to door and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close -- in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."


When the MTC was built in Provo, beautiful green athletic fields were planted so the missionaries would have a place to exercise. However, they were so inviting that BYU students were attracted there, and you would see BYU students out playing touch football, throwing Frisbees, etc., on the missionaries' field. To deal with this problem, a large banner was posted, which read "Missionaries Only."
The next day BYU students were out on the field playing touch football and throwing fisbees. They had a new banner which read, "Every member a missionary.


Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I'm going to set up a test that will run two hours, and i will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent e-mail with attachments. They downloaded files. They did every known job.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and of course the electricity went out. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the Underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES."


Letter from scout camp
Dear Mom and Dad, We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Bishop Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Bishop Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did; also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Bishop Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Bishop Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Bishop Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Bishop Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of the cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Bishop Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed off out first aid merit badge. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Bishop Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Rob P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?


At the start of a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!!!"

The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate round to cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chair person, who was to appoint a committee
to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The Unity Students proclaimed the fire had no power over them.
The Secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
The Mormons arrived ten minutes late to the meeting, missing the fire completely!!!


On the Church bulletin board:.

-- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

-- Tuesday at 4PM, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

-- Wednesday, the Relief Society will meet. Sister Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed", accompanied by the bishop.

-- Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All those wishing to become little mothers please meet the bishop in his office.

-- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Sister Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the podium.

-- On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.

-- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

-- A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

-- Sign outside a church: "Sermon for Sunday: What is Hell like?"
Just below was the message: "Come in and hear our choir sing."

- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
- Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
- Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- Bishop Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
- The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
- Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
- 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- A large billboard on the road in NY State: "When you can't sleep, don't count sheep, talk to the shepherd."
- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'


Two home teachers went out one Saturday to visit their families. At one home, it was obvious that someone was there, but nobody came to the door even though they knocked several times. Finally, the senior companion took out a piece of paper and wrote the member's name on the card with the words, "Revelations 3:20" written below it, and stuck the paper in the crack in the door.
(Revelations 3:20 -- Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me).
The next day, on Sunday, the piece of paper was returned to the home teacher. Below the home teacher's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10"
(Genesis 3:10 -- I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself).


(A True Story) A little boy came home from Primary one day. His mother asked him what he learned. He replied, "My teacher told me that I used to be dust and I would be dust again. Is that true, Mommy?"
"Yes," the mother replied. "A scripture tells us so: 'For dust thou are, and unto dust shalt thou return.'"
This little boy was wide-eyed and amazed. The next morning, he was scurrying around getting ready for school, looking for his shoes. As he crawled under the bed, lo and behold, there he saw balls of dust. He ran to his mother in wonder, saying, "Oh, Mommy, somebody's under my bed, and they're either coming or going."
Contributed by Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in his book, "The Gateway We Call Death."


There was this Bishopric that went hunting together. After they got out in the woods and away from everyone they were sitting around in the evening and talking. The Bishop said, "you know I have one fault that I only do when I'm hunting, I like to have a cup of coffee when I'm up here hunting, I just can't help myself." The First Councilor said, "well, since you said that Bishop, I have to confess when I'm up here hunting I love to have a cold beer." The Second Councilor said, "I also need to confess I can't help it either when I'm up here I love to have a big cigar." Then they all looked at the Executive Secretary and waited for him to say something. After probing him for a while, he finally said, "OK, I give. I do have one really bad weakness that I can't control." "What is it?" they asked. "Well," he said, "I'm a terrible gossiper and I can't wait to get back and tell everyone what you guys said!"


This guy dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. Peter gets out his book on this guy's life and says, "You know, you've lived a pretty average life, You haven't done anything so bad that I would feel really right about sending you down below, but you haven't really done anything that good either. I'll tell you what--if you can tell me just one thing you did during your life that was really good, I'll let you in."
The guy says, "okay, well I was driving down the highway when I saw this gang of bikers assaulting this girl. So I slammed on my brakes, grabbed my tire iron, jumped out of my car and ran straight at the leader of the pack. He was huge, with a mohawk haircut, hairy all over, and he had a huge link chain running from his nose to his ear. So I grabbed his chain, pulled as hard as I could, and whapped him on the head. Then I turned to his gang and screamed, 'who wants some of this!! Who wants some pain!!!'"
St. Peter is extremely impressed, and says, "wow, I had no idea. That is really something. When did this happen?"
And the guy says, "oh, about 2 minutes ago."


And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Were is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."


"On her first Sunday in a Spanish speaking mission, a sister missionary was asked to give her testimony to the congregation. She approached the podium and, trying to convey how embarrassed she was she told the audience "estoy muy embarasada". She then pointed to the bishop and jokingly said in Spanish, "and it's all his fault". This bishop's wife stood up and stormed out of the chapel. After the testimony, the sister's companion told her that "estoy muy embarasada" doesn't mean I'm very embarrassed, it means I'm very pregnant!


John dies and goes to Heaven. He meets St. Peter at the gate and asks him,
"How do I get into Heaven?"
St Pete: Spell "Love".
John: L - O - V - E
Pete: That's right, you may enter.
John: Boy, that was easy, are you sure that's all there is to it?
St Pete: Yup...by the way, I have to run an errand. Would you please watch the gate for me and if anyone comes just ask them to spell LOVE. If they spell it right, let them in.
John: OK, I can do that.
Soon Ralph arrives and asks: How do I get in Heaven?
John: Spell LOVE.
Ralph: L - O - V - E.
John: That's right, come on in.
Soon Harry arrives and asks: How do I get in Heaven?
John: Spell LOVE
Harry: L - O - V - E.
John: That's right, come on in.
Soon a woman arrives and as she gets closer John realizes it's his wife.
John: What are you doing here?
Wife: On the way home from your funeral I was in a car accident and died. What do I have to do to get into Heaven?
John: Spell Czechoslovakia........


A reporter once visited Billy Gramham and noticed he had a special red phone on his desk the reporter asked him about it and Billy said "It's my hotline to heaven." The reporter asked if he could make a call "sure" said Billy, "but it will cost you $10,000 dollars." The reporter next interviewed the Pope in Rome and noticed the same special red phone on his desk. When he asked the Pope said that "Is my hotline to heaven, you may make a call but it will cost you $100,000 dollars." Latter the reporter interviewed Pres. Hinkley and noticed a special red phone on his desk. He asked what it was and Pres. Hinckley said "Thats the hotline to heavan." The reporter asked if he could make a call. Pres. Hinkley said "sure". "How much will it cost me?" the reporter asked. "Twenty-five cents", "Why so little?" "It's a local call."


There was once a Catholic Bishop who was very proud of his parish and he was walking down a street and he came acrosss a young boy wholding some new born puppies. he asked the boy what was the religion of the puppies. the reply was Catholic Father. This made the Bishop very happy. the next day he again walked down this street and saw the boy, he again asked the religion of the Pups and got the same reply. A short time later the Bishop was entertaining his Cardinal and thought I would show him how devoted my parish is, so he took the cardinal down the street to where the boy was playing and asked what religion are your puppies young man. The reply came" They are are Mormon, Father." The Bishop was shocked and said" but the other day you said they were catholic. The boy smiled and said "the other day they were blind and could not see but now their eyes are opened."


A primary president, a high councilman, and a bishop sat on the front row of a airplane flight that, unfortunately, was hijacked. When the hijackers' demands were refused, they threatened to shoot some passengers, starting with the first row. The primary president promptly asked for one last wish. She wanted to sing her favorite primary song. The hijacker said that would be fine, then asked the high councilman and bishop if they also had a last wish. The high councilman requested that after the song he be allowed to stand and give the talk he had prepared to give in sacrament meeting that next Sunday. The hijacker agreed, then turned to the bishop. The bishop motioned for the hijacker to come closer and whispered in his ear, "Please shoot me after the song."


This is originally from a physician in Utah. I work part-time as a teacher of family doctors. The program provides training on psychiatric disorders and emphasizes the importance of emotional support. The new doctors are given plenty of time in clinic to visit with their patients and learn about their challenges. One of our interns who has never lived in Utah and knows nothing about Mormons is still struggling to understand the cultural climate here. Last week he was interviewing a new patient and stumbled on what he thought was a raging psychosis.
Doctor: "Well, Mrs. Olsen, we've talked about your high blood pressure and your medications. Are you experiencing any particular stress in your life?"
Patient: "Oh, yes! It's the Sunbeams. They're driving me crazy."
Doctor (very surprised): "The sun beams?"
Patient: "Yes. I've never had trouble with them before, but this group won't sit still. They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and down the hall."
Doctor (reaching for a pen): "Have you told anyone about this?"
Patient: "Of course. I told the president."
Doctor: "Really! What did the president tell you?"
Patient: "She said Sunbeams are like that. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with them."
Doctor (concerned that he may be missing something): "I know people who are sensitive to sun beams. Do they cause you a rash or anything?"
Patient (confused): "A rash? No."
Doctor: "What's the biggest problem they're creating?"
Patient: "It's the noise. They just won't quit talking."
Doctor (astonished): "The sun beams are talking to you?"
Patient: "Well, yes. But mostly they talk to each other."
Doctor (scribbling furiously in the chart): "I see. Can anyone else hear them talking?"
Patient (after a moment of stunned silence): "You're not LDS, are you?"


The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope hopped onto Route 95. Though he wasn't used to the car, he was doing very well. Suddenly, there were the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.
The Pope pulled over and the trooper comes to his window. "Your tail lights are out. Let me see your license and insurance information." Then the trooper noticed who it was. "Oh, excuse me. Would you mind waiting here while I call this one in?" The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He told the chief, "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief asked "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper said,""No, even more important." The chief asked, "It's the Governor, is it?" The trooper replied "No, even more important." "It's isn't the President, is it?" "No, more important," answered the trooper. "Well WHO is it!," screamed the chief.
"I don't know" said the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"


(A True Story) During a sacrament meeting, a little boy made a big disturbance. After several minutes of trying to quiet this noisy three-year-old, the mother desperately handed him to the father, who was seated on the aisle close to the front of the chapel. By this time the noise distracted the speaker and audience, and everyone was very conscious of the parents' plight. The father's patience was much shorter than the mother's. In a few moments he put the little boy over his shoulder, stood up, and started for the back door. Looking back over his father's shoulder and sensing his determined steps, the little boy became quiet and apprehensive. Just as the father approached the rear door of the chapel, the little fellow reached his arms out toward the stand and shouted, "Bishop, help!"
Contributed by Elder Dallin H. Oaks of Quorum of the Twelve Apostles during General Conference on 4/5/97


A ward house was in need of painting, but there was no budget to buy paint and pay someone to paint it. The bishop asked a member of the ward who was a painting contractor if he would donate his labor towards the cause. The brother agreed, the paint was purchased and delivered to his home. As the contractor looked at all the paint and imagined the hours it would require for him to complete the church job, he was tempted. He thought to himself that if he thinned the paint some he would be able to have to some paint that he could use in his business which would reimburse him somewhat for all of his effort.
He completed the job Saturday night and thought that all would be well as long as it didn't rain before the paint dried. Alas, he woke up Sunday morning to pouring rain. He went to the meeting house and saw the bishop shaking his head as he watched the paint running from the building. The contractor was humbled and apologetic. The bishop accepted his confession and gave him this advice, "Repaint, repaint! And thin no more."


A Catholic Priest, A Baptist Preacher, and a Mormon Bishop went fishing in a boat together. After awhile, the Catholic Priest ran out of bait. So he got up, stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the shore, and returned the same way with more bait. Soon after, the Mormon Bishop also ran out of bait and did the same. Finally the Baptist Preacher ran out of bait and not wanting to be out done by the other two, stepped out of the boat and immediately sank down into the water. The others grabbed him and helped him back into the boat. As they watched the cold, confused Preacher trying to figure out why he could'nt do it, the Catholic Priest finnally laughed and whispered to the Mormon Bishop, "Should we tell him about the rocks beneath the water?" The Bishop, obviously confused, said, "What rocks?"


On the early years of marriage. "The young years are often those when either husband or wife--or both--may still be in school or in those earliest and leanest stages of developing the husband's breadwinning capacities. Finances fluctuate daily between low and nonexistent. The apartment is usually decorated in one of two smart designs--Deseret Industries provincial or early Mother Hubbard. The car, if there is one, runs on smooth tires and an empty tank. But with night feedings and night teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life. It is not surprising when the shadows under their eyes sometimes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island."
Contributed by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles during General Conference on 4/5/97


A true story, as originally related by a Church security guard. President Kimball was on an overseas tour, and was keeping a grueling schedule despite flagging health. It was unending. Tour this mission, go to that meeting, speak at this conference - wave after wave of work. His secretary, Brother Haycock, was getting concerned. One day, when President Kimball inquired as to the next item on the agenda, the secretary informed him that they had scheduled in some time for him to take a nap. President Kimball was visibly displeased, and responded "I think I understand...you are trying to save me." "Yes" his secretary replied. Without hesitation, President Kimball said: "But I don't want to be saved. I want to be exalted!"


An ecclesiastical leader really loved golf. He was also very busy with all of his church responsibilities. It seemed that every time he set aside a little time to play golf, another problem would come up and he would have to go help. Finally, it looked like he had a whole afternoon off. Unfortunately, it was on the Sabbath, but the leader rationalized that since he had spent so much time on church things on other days of the week, it would be all right to use part of the Sabbath to do a non-Sabbath thing. So he sneaked off to the golf course. It was a beautiful day, but surprisingly almost no one was around to watch him break the Sabbath day. On the first hole, he got a hole in one. He was stunned. He had never gotten a hole-in-one before! All of his golfing buddies would never believe it! The second hole, he also got a hole-in-one. It was amazing! Two in a row! He couldn't wait to tell his wife! The third, fourth, and fifth holes were all holes in one. At the end of the course, the leader had only taken 18 strokes, a course record. He could get his name and the date engraved on a plaque in the clubhouse and get a free dinner for him and three friends. Moses was up in heaven watching all of this with God. "Why did you let him do so well? Shouldn't he be punished?" God replied, "He is. Who could he tell?"


There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

A freshman in college started his first day of classes.
His philosophy professor was clearly an atheist, and started the day by saying the following:
"Students, is there anyone here who can see God? If so, raise your hand.
If there is anyone here who can hear God, raise your hand.
If there is anyone who can smell God, raise your hand."
After a short pause, with no response from the students, he concluded,
"Since no one can see, smell or hear God, there is no God."
A student then raised his hand and asked to address the class.
The student approached the class and asked,
"Students, can anyone here see the professor's brain?
Can anyone hear or smell the professor's brain?"
After a short pause, he concluded, "Since no one else can see, hear or smell the professor's brain,
I conclude that he has no brain!"

RULDS?
by Joel Hardy

I read the BofM,
I study the D&C,
I peruse the KJV,
back it up with JST.
My son's at BYU,
at the MTC,
They used to call it LTM
when I was young like he.
I collected for SME,
while in the BSA.
My wife who's in RS,
teaches YM/YW in MIA.
Today in BYC,
We planned for EFY.
I stayed a little later,
and had a HT PPI.
I listened to some MoTab,
I found at the DI.
then I washed my Gs,
after FHE we had pie.
Now if you've understood,
this alphabetic mess.
Chances are quite good,
that you are LDS.

FUNNY QUOTES

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help

If you think nobody cares your alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Some days you are the windshield, some days the bug.

Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Duct tape is like the Force -- It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it..

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 Scripture Jokes

For those who say that there is no proof in the Bible that Mormons are Christians, see Acts 28: 26,28:

"26. For the king knoweth of these things, before whoM alsO I speak freely: foR I aM persuaded that nONe of theSe things ARE hidden from him;
28. Then Agrippa said unto Paul, almost thou persuadest me to be a CHRISTIAN."

Money talks.
Eccl. 10:19 - A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things.

Women compared to horses.
Songs of Solomon 1:9 - I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh's chariots.

Go to Utah to date.
Lamentations 5:18 - Because of the mountain of Zion, which is desolate, the foxes walk upon it.

Decorating Christmas trees.
Jer. 10:2-4
2 Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them.
3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.
4 They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.

Santa Clause.
Zechariah 2:6 - Ho, ho, come forth, and flee from the land of the north, saith the LORD: for I have spread you abroad as the four winds of the heaven, saith the LORD.

Shakespear in the Bible...Psalms 46. Count 46 words from top, 46 words (back) from the end, put those words together, shake - spear!

First reported incidence of streaking.
Mark 14:51,52
51 And there followed him a certain young man, having a linen cloth cast about his naked body; and the young men laid hold on him:
52 And he left the linen cloth, and fled from them naked.

Stripping a car for its parts.
Isaiah 3:18,19
18 In that day the Lord will take away the bravery of their tinkling ornaments about their feet, and their cauls, and their round tires like the moon,
19 The chains, and the bracelets, and the mufflers,

Visit your dentist regularly.
Amos 4:6 - And I also have given you cleanness of teeth in all your cities, and want of bread in all your places: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD.

Job Promotions.
Psalms 75:6-7
6 For promotion cometh neither from the east, nor from the west, nor from the south.
7 But God is the judge: he putteth down one, and setteth up another.

Q. Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?
A. Noah: He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter: She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson: He brought the house down.

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12, 14, 16 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.

Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell for it once.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Use this when trying to convince someone against tattoos or body piercings.
LEV 19:28 Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

When supper is not what you would like it to be...
DEU 14:3 Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing.

When you have a kid who won't behave...
DEU 21:18 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:
DEU 21:19 Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;
DEU 21:20 And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.
DEU 21:21 And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

When your kids are trying to make fashon statements....
DEU 22:5 The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

The longest Sacrament meeting on record:
Acts 19:8 And he went into the synagogue, and spake boldly for the space of three months,...
This is where the Battle Star Galactica series came from.
DEU 30:4 If any of thine be driven out unto the outmost parts of heaven, from thence will the LORD thy God gather thee, and from thence will he fetch thee: DEU 30:5 And the LORD thy God will bring thee into the land which thy fathers possessed, and thou shalt possess it; and he will do thee good, and multiply thee above thy fathers.

Left-handed people rule!
JDG 20:16 Among all this people there were seven hundred chosen men lefthanded; every one could sling stones at an hair breadth, and not miss.

Kids, you better watch what you say to bald people.
2 KINGS 2:23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
2 KINGS 2:24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

Road rage!
2 KINGS 9:20 And the watchman told, saying, He came even unto them, and cometh not again: and the driving is like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi; for he driveth furiously.

A missionary receiving a "Dear John" letter.
EZRA 9:3 And when I heard this thing, I rent my garment and my mantle, and plucked off the hair of my head and of my beard, and sat down astonied.

Missionaries who don't get any letters.
PSA 31:12 I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel.

For someone who sleeps in too long...
PROV 6:9 How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? when wilt thou arise out of thy sleep?

But then again, maybe it is O.K. to sleep in a little.
PROV 27:14 He that blesseth his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to him.

Zena, Warrior Princess.
PROV 7:26 For she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her.

When trying to get a son to get married.
PROV 18:22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.

For a complaining wife...
PROV 21:19 It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

Beating your children is O.K.?
PROV 23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
PROV 23:14 Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

Don't outstay your welcome.
PROV 25:17 Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbour's house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee.

How fat people get fat
PROV 28:25 He that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife: but he that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat.

Bad case of indigestion, gastritis and flatulence...
JER 4:19 My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war.

Relief Society home making meetings...
EZEK 13:18 And say, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the women that sew pillows to all armholes, and make kerchiefs upon the head of every stature to hunt souls! Will ye hunt the souls of my people, and will ye save the souls alive that come unto you?

Drag racing in the Bible....
NAH 2:3 The shield of his mighty men is made red, the valiant men are in scarlet: the chariots shall be with flaming torches in the day of his preparation, and the fir trees shall be terribly shaken.
NAH 2:4 The chariots shall rage in the streets, they shall justle one against another in the broad ways: they shall seem like torches, they shall run like the lightnings.

Kids, you don't need to wash your hands before you eat after all.
MAT 15:20 These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man.

When trying to get your kid to cut his hair...
1COR 11:14 Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?

For quieter church meetings...
1COR 14:34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.

Women take a vacation from heaven.
REV 8:1 And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.

We had better stop singing, 'Come, come ye saints'.
2 NEP 28:25 Wo be unto him that crieth, All is well;

Fast Sunday.
ALMA 58:7 And it came to pass that we did wait in these difficult circumstances, for the space of many months, even until we were about to perish for the want of food.

Nothing left in town to eat but beans.
Ether 14:23 and the scent thereof went forth upon the face of the land, even upon all the face of the land; wherefore the people became troubled by day and by night, because of the scent thereof;

Did you know Satan was female?
D&C 52:14 And again, I will give unto you a pattern in all things, that ye may not be deceived; for Satan is abroad(a broad) in the land, and goeth forth deceiving the nations--

A scripture to send a missionary who is not writing letters home:
"And now behold, we desire to know the cause of this exceedingly great neglect; yea, we desire to know the cause of your thoughtless state." Alma 60:6

Biblical Basis for Food Fights or T.P.ing? Scholars Disagree.
Zechariah 5:1-2 "Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and behold a flying roll. And he said unto me, What seest thou? And I answered, I see a flying roll; the length thereof [is] twenty cubits, and the breadth thereof ten cubits."

Q: What is the name of Nephi's horse?
A: Unto (Wo unto . . . 2 Nephi 9:27-38)

Whenever we take the family on a long trip in the car we end up having a lot of Nephites in the back seat (knee fights).

Evidence that the Word of Wisdom was not strictly adhered to.
Genesis 24:64. And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.

Where do the people of Laman go to have a good time?
Lamanite clubs

Q: How many people went on board the Ark before Noah?
A: Three, because it says "... and Noah went forth" . (Genesis 8:18)

Q: Where in the bible does it say that men do the dishes?
A: 2 Kings 21:13 "...and I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down to dry."

Q: What's the greatest case of constipation in the bible?
A: Satan the devil. Revelation says he'll be bound up for a thousand years! (Rev 20:2 KJV)

Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun. (Numbers 11:28)

Did you know that they played tennis in ancient Egypt?
They must have, because Joseph served in Pharoah's court

Did you know that the apostles drove a Honda?
In Acts is says they were all in one Accord.
Acts 7:57, "Then they cried out with a loud voice, and stopped their ears, and ran upon him with one accord,"

Q: How do we know Moses wore a wig?
A: Sometimes he was with Aaron and sometimes he wasn't!

Q: "What evidence is there in the Bible that Adam and Eve were noisy?"
A: "They raised Cain!"

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